Dear Mr Eggen, Monday, April 16, 2018
I have been thinking about compassion. When does it help, when it is misguided, when can it possibly save a person’s life? I am guessing that you have strong ideas on compassion since it is a virtue you focus on. Here is a bit of the way I see it, and you can let me know how you see it.
Several years ago I was given a very sweet cup of compassion to sip. I was a bit lonely and isolated and a woman quite a bit older than me befriended me. She would pop over to visit and read a book to my two year old or hold my baby for a bit. This was very life-giving for me. We saw each other several times a week. She absolutely didn’t get overly personal or give me lectures about how to be less lonely, she just came alongside me and helped by keeping me company. We both have fond memories of that time!
Sadly, she had a challenging situation in her own family. She was, at that time, caring for her husband who was slowly dying of cancer. Since they were both retired and she was a capable and giving woman, she spent most of every day and night caring for him. She did mention that coming to my house was a nice change of scenery for her. I can’t imagine how hard that season of her life must have been. She was very occupied with the tragedy unfolding one block away at her own house, but we were able to support one another in a quiet and simple way. She showed me love and compassion and I am so grateful for that. I tried to understand her and listen as best as I could.
Interestingly, when she had really intense questions or problems, she didn’t come to me, and neither did I go to her. We each had other, older friends and family members who could help in the most personal and delicate matters. In my case I mostly sought wisdom from my own mother. She happens to be an uncommonly good psychologist and a true source of caring, truth and guidance. I know that my neighbour friend had peers who had already been in her shoes; women who had faced death squarely and come through with grief, but not destroyed. We needed to seek guidance from those who were the very closest to us, who had known us inside out, and who loved us unconditionally.
Here is where we see a parallel to adolescents in schools who are struggling with any type of sexual issue. Can teachers and other students show support, compassion, come alongside this student? Absolutely, and I am sure everyone hopes for that. But who will it be that is allowed into that innermost circle of confidence? That may vary on a case by case basis, largely depending on how private that adolescent decides to be. As lovely as teachers can be [and I was one for four years in various grade levels], I never met a single one that I felt cared for me half as much as my mom or dad. Some youth are alienated from their parents and sadly don’t have this experience, I do understand that. But, should our laws *mandate* that parents are kept out of the innermost circle of confidence and trust on issues of sexuality? What a loss. What a way to encourage alienation amongst family members. Our province deserves better.
Compassion comes in various forms and can never be forced into reality by a school policy. Let’s give teachers and students the tools they need to support each other. GSA’s don’t count. If my friend had shown up at my house with a program or agenda [don’t bother denying that the Prism Toolkit and/or GSAs aren’t doing this, Albertans know they are] her support would have been trivialized. Instead she cared about me as a *person*, and I hope I reciprocated that interest in her as an individual.
How exactly do we best support youth struggling with questions of sexuality? With knowledgeable guidance counselors at school and parental care at home. There is more to it… of course there will be since this issue is complex, but here is where we begin.
Sincerely,
Catherine van Kampen
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